LET THE HIGHER POWER TAKE CHARGE

 I am not a religious person. Actually I never was religious.  My mother and father are from two different religions. My father came to United States when I was only 10 years old. I was raised by my mother, who did not believe in God. My life was hell, and I had no one to talk to. India was very spiritual country in those days. I heard people talk about God a lot. I saw in movies that people fast and God helped them, so I started asking about it. In 1970s and 80s there was no internet to look up the information. Different people gave different advise. I was confused and started trying all different fasts. My mother realized that she can not stop me from doing that, so she told me to do Monday fast, so I started that. 

When I was 13, my father's older brother gave me a book to read during summer vacation, it was called Sikh History. I really liked that book. It introduced me to God. First time I was learning anything about God. I was told to do Monday fast, but nothing about God. Every time I think about it, I ask God to bless my late uncle. I don't think he realized the impact he made in my life. It changed my life. I learned that God is everywhere, so I don't have go to special worship house to talk to him. I started talking to him all the time. A habit I still have. My understanding from that book was that God should be honored and be feared. I had no one to talk to, just like now, so I used to tell Him everything. I used to ask Him to help me get out of abusive situation.  Also used to ask Him to guide me. Another thing I still do.

When I came to United States in 1990, I saw an old movie called the Bible. I remember that I was sad that God don't  talk in that booming voice anymore. I wanted to hear Him. Then came the scene, when God ask Abraham to sacrifice his only child. Suddenly I was glad that He doesn't talk in booming voice anymore. LOL. I still wanted His help and guidance, but I was afraid of making him angry by saying a wrong thing.

I was introduced to Catholic religion when I was 18 by my friends. They too talked about God's strict rule. The I learned the concept of heaven and hell and devil. I learned about Jesus a little because they used to teach more about old testament. Church helped me through crisis in my life, so I started following Catholic religion. I tried to convert, but my mother would not give me my birth certificate, and Father Santos said I look like I'm 15 years old. He would not allow me to convert without proof of my age. I remember my frustration  because I have been waiting to grow up, but no one wanted to believe that I was 18 years old. When I came to United States, I saw the movie Jesus of Nazareth.  That was the first time I learned about his teachings. The one that stayed with me was when Jesus says that we are flawed and still we love our children. Imagine how much the God, who is perfect, loves us. I looked for that part in the Bible with red letter for Jesus's teaching. Since then I only read the red part of the Bible. First time I started seeing God from point of love not fear.  

 

Since childhood, I had developed a habit to look for his signs after I asked him a question. Something I would see written somewhere, a song came on radio, or something someone was talking about. For example in 1993 I was going through severe depression.  In my gerontology class professor was talking about the needs of older people by certain age. When he reached the age 70 people, my heart sank. We used to live in front of the church.  I went to the sacred heart statue and cried bitterly because I was only 28 and didn't want to live another 30 to 40 more years. When I was done crying, I took my dog for a walk. Behind the church there was a card board sign hanging on the wall saying one day at a time. I saw and walk past it then suddenly realized that it was my answer from God. I was so excited that I went back and picked up that sign. When I came home and told my husband,  he said that I  belonged in mental hospital because people from AA meetings must have left it there.  He was unable to shake my faith because I never said that it was written by God like 10 commandments.  I said it was my answer from God. 

Psychology says that we marry people, who are similar to our father or mother. He was like my mother. My mother always criticized me because any problems in my life I used to do what I needed to do and rest left it God's hand. My most used sentence in my life is that God will take care of it. I am not one of those people, who don't take action, saying let God take care of it. I always believed that you try your best and trust God to take care of the rest because he knows better what is good for me.  He never let me down. It took me years to realize how He was guiding my life. 

In 1990 when I came to United States, my ex husband got me a job at Gino's Pizza store.  I was fired after one week because I couldn't understand the accent. I was in a new country for about a month, and language was a main barrier.  All my life my mother and then my ex husband had told me that I was worthless, so I had started believing them.  I felt so low that I couldn't even sell pizza. After many years, when I was working in Manhattan as a Child Welfare Specialist, I realized God's plan was very different than mine. One Indian store clerk asked me which store I worked at. Suddenly I remembered the incident of being fired from pizza store. Looking back I realized that being fired made me decide to get my GED and college degree.  If I was not fired from pizza store, I would be a store clerk like many Indian women. Society or family can make us feel inadequate, but God knows our potential. I end up getting Masters, which I couldn't even dream in my wildest dreams.

Slowly through my experience I realized that God has a great sense of humor.  Some of my wishes were not specific, so His response made me laugh, and I told Him good one. For example, I had prayed to get out of debt.  I was in an elevator accident, and couldn't work anymore,  so I had to settle all credit cards and close them. He answered, but His own way. I learned to be specific.  Some people may look at this as a negative experience, but I know that He has a plan. I started having a friendly relationship with God. I still don't realize His answer to my prayers for long time.

Now when things go wrong in my life, I don't get discouraged.  I remind myself that God is in control of my life. I keep fighting and leave the results in his hand. When I panic about something,  I remind myself that God has plans that I can't even dream of.